Stuff the boss wouldn’t let us put on the other LogicMaze blog

As I looked at myself in the mirror, I wanted to vomit so badly. After my lack of success with the David Blaine thing that I had last tried, I really had to lower my standards (as though that could possible). I splashed some water on my face and attempted to regain my composure before my guest showed up. No sooner than I had toweled off, there was a knock at the door. My stomach filled with acid immediately.

I opened the door, for my guest, Dolph Lundgren. You may remember him from Rocky IV as Ivan Drago, or if you’re an uber-nerd, Masters of the Universe. That’s right, he played He-Man. I remember totally digging on that movie when I was younger, but I’ll bet if I watched it now, it would just shatter my memories of it being awesome.
Cool movies aside, Dolph hasn’t done anything worth anything in a while, and he was in need of my marketing abilities. Coincidentally, I hadn’t done any marketing worth anything in a while and was in need of his money.

“Ok, Mr. Lundgren – May I call you Dolphy?” I started things off.
“No,” my monosyllabic new client responded.
“Alright, Mr. Lundgren. I’m very interested in doing some marketing and search engine optimization for you. First thing’s first. Do you have a website?” I asked.
“No.”
I could tell already that this was going to be as easy as a walk in the park. . .a park full of ninjas bent on killing yours truely.
“Are you sure that you don’t have a website? I’m relatively sure that I’ve seen dolphlundgren.com.”
“Yes, that is my website,” he responded.
“Great! We’re making progress now. I am very excited,” I lied. “What. . .uh. . . are you looking to market/optimize for?”
“Deer hunting and turkey hunting,” he said, completely catching me off guard.
“I’m sorry?”
“I want to open a hunting outfitters. I will dress up turkey and deer to look like Jean Claude Van Damme and we will hunt them like Universal Soldier.”
I struggled not to laugh at this crazy idea. “How about dressing them in red white and blue, and pretending like they’re Apollo Creed?”
“Good idea,” he didn’t get that I was joking.
I paused for a moment to seriously consider what I was getting myself into. I then remembered some of my previous endeavours and decided that this one may actually be the least insane. I collected my thoughts before I spoke.

“Ok, Dolph, here’s the deal-”
As soon as I got that much out, I heard the sound of keys jingling in the door. Crap I thought it’s my roommate!Somewhere down the line, I had unwittingly allowed Phil Collins to move in with me. It was some crazy sort of odd couple-esque situation that I often tried to block out of my mind.

“Hey, Ralph, I got you some more of that bath gel you like, since I used all of your-” he stopped talking and froze as he came in the door an saw Dolph Lundgren sitting on the couch.
“What’s he doing here?” Phil asked.
“Phil, this is Dolph Lundgren, I’m going to be doing some work for him,” I explained.
“Oh I know who he is! We’ve met before, isn’t that right, Dolph?”

I didn’t know what was going on, but I certainly didn’t want to know. There was no way that I could even imagine for Phil Collins and Dolph Lundgren to have even met before, let alone have some sort of conflicting past. All I know is that what happened next was both one of the weirdest and coolest things that I had ever witnessed.

Phil went on and on, calling Dolph a huge list of names and discrediting him as an actor, while Dolph simply sat on the couch, expressionless as usual. This went on for about a minute before he went across the room like a blur, and knocked Phil Collins out with one swift punch. Groceries went everywhere as Phil fell against the wall and slid down to the floor.

“Wow! You knocked him clean out!” I said in disbelief. “Thanks!”

Dolph turned to me dramatically and said “If he dies. . . he dies.”
He then pulled out a huge knife, cut off one of Phil Collins’ ears and strung it on a necklace with a bunch of other ears (Universal Soldier style).
I threw up.
 

I haven’t broken it to the bosses yet, but I’m moving to McPherson Kansas. Word on the street is that there are a lot of hotties up there. I’ve heard that about other places before, but my grandpa is a pretty reliable source for that type of information.

I’ve been searching through listings from McPherson realtors, but I just can’t seem to find anything that fits into my $4,000-$5,000 price range. I’m looking for something that falls into a category I like to call econo-swanky. If anyone knows of and cheap-shiek McPherson Kansas listings, I would be most interested.

My friend Randy called me the other day.
“Mitchell,” he says to me. “I’m getting married, man!”
“Really? What’s his name?” I respond. That’s what we do. We make jokes.

Long story slightly less long:
I wanted to do something snazzy for my friend Randy on his special day. Here at LogicMaze, we have been working with Rainbow Fireworks to help spread the word about them doing fireworks displaysat weddings. That seemed like the perfect idea. Unfortunately, I don’t have the kind of money that is necessary to pay the professionals at Rainbow to put on the show for my friend. Consiquently, I opted to do the show myself.

I figured that all I would need is the fireworksand a lighter. I had done quite a few amateur 4th of July shows, so I was fairly confident in my abilities.

Randy and his fiance plan to reschedule the wedding after his skin grafts.

Ok, if you haven’t heard about this yet, here are some links so that you can do your homework. Trust me, it’s worth the time. Here is some stuff from itsbadbusiness.com and customersarealways.com.

This lady is crazy. She actually had her clients afraid that she was going to do physical harm to them. I’ll probably get some dirty looks for saying this, and please believe me that I am in no way going against the whole women’s lib, female equality thing when I say this, but: The majority of the work that justtwogirls.com did (from my understanding) was oscommerce site, primarily for female clients. It’s very likely that there were one or two of Christina Stevens’ clients that could take her in the instance of “a rumble,” but here’s my point. If she did websites for marshal arts acadamies or something, it would have been over before it started. You know what I’m saying.

Here at LogicMaze, a healthy chunk of the clients for whom we build sites, host sites, market, whatever are hunting outfitters, like Ashlenz Outfitters. If I ever ballsed up enough to say some things like Christina Stevens said about “taking care” of people’s families or started messing with their businesses. . .well I sure as hell wouldn’t be typing this blog right now. I’d probably have an appointment with the taxedermist.

For the non gun-familiar web site clients, I am considering offering some Women’s Internet Self Defense Classes. We will cover things like kicking web predators in the virtual junk and using one of our most innovative products: LogicMace.
I will post class times someday when I feel motivated.

I’m not moving to McPherson, Kansas, but if you are, I know who can help: Arbuckle Realty. They can help you find the perfect home. If they don’t have it listed, you can search area listings of all houses listed in the MLS for McPherson and the surrounding area on arbucklerealtyinc.com. Even if it’s not listed through them, they can still help you get into the home of your choice in the growing community of McPherson.

I know a guy that lives in McPherson, and he and all twelve of his cats love it.

“I’m pretty excited. My business capacity will double. . .more than double,” said Mitchell in reference to the acquisition of more storage space for his underground storagecompany: MitcheHole Storage.

MitchHole Storage was started when one young entrepreneur came up with the genious idea of digging a hole in his back yard and offering to bury people’s most valuable possessions in it for safe keeping. I was fortunate to sit down and have an interview with Mitchell: proprietor of MitchHole Storage.

Good Morning, Mitchell.

Good morning, how are you today?

So you’re announcing an expansion of your business facilities. . .

Actually, I’m not announcing the expansion just yet. What I’m actually doing is announcing that there will be an announcement soon about the expansion of MitchHole storage, which will afford us more space for the storage of people’s most valuable possessions.

So you’re announcing an announcement?

Exactly.

O.k. Will there be any new services offered or just an increase in space?

Well, we will begin offering private vaults like that one over there.

That’s a Coleman cooler. . .

Right. . .

Moving on: You run your business out of your back yard. This brings me to the question of how you intend to expand without buying one of your neighbors’ property.

Don’t worry about it. Let’s just say that none of my neighbors is gonna be able to build a pool.

Following that comment, I felt it necessary to end the discussion for fear of having to testify at a court date in the future.