Our friends at Flat Iron Meats are giving away 100 jars of their La Primera Verde-Green Salsa. I mean 100% free! You don’t even have to pay shipping costs! How about that, folks.
This isn’t some girly sissyman green salsa; it’s hot. I ate some yesterday and I’m still crying a little. That’s right, I’m crying because of the salsa, not because my houseplant just died. You can go ahead and stop making fun of me now.
I digress. . .
If you like green salsa as much as I do, and you like FREE STUFF as much as I do; you’d better hurry up and check out Flat Iron Meats. I don’t care if you’re giving away free punches in the throat, 100 will go fast just because it’s free. So the free salsa definitely won’t be around long. Of course, you could still buy it. It’s definitely worth paying for and anybody who tries it is going to get hooked.
While you’re there, be sure to check out all of the other great products that Flat Iron Meats have to offer. They’ve got an excellent selection of steaks, jerky, etc. all of which is source verified and identity preserved for quality and safety.
They think they’re so smart. With all of their talk and their sarcasm. They said that it wouldn’t be possible.
But that’s exactly the kind of attitude that lights the fire in our collective bellies. They said it couldn’t be done - that you couldn’t put Phil Collins in a Jeep and jump it over the Royal Gorge. We said, “neener-neener!” And then we did the sucker in Photoshop and gave high-fives all around the office (well, all except Cody - we know how often he washes his hands).
You see, that’s the kind of can-do spirit that we take with all of our work and all of our clients. Alright, so with everything else we actually DO the impossible instead of faking the impossible - but you get the idea.
The same thing goes for jeepsandstuff.com These folks have the same kind of verve, the same moxy when it comes to providing you with a huge selection of jeep accessories at excellent prices. Sure, no one is going to write out a screenplay with this kind of stuff. But if you’re a Jeep owner and want to trick out your vehicle, you’ll be glad you checked them out.
And if you feel compelled to jump the Royal Gorge in your Jeep to express your happiness with these awesome deals, all we can say is… give us a heads-up so we can take a picture!
It took a lot of deliberation for us all to agree on a name for the LogicMaze newsletter. After two days, we finally agreed on one that properly represented us as a company and our abilities in both web design and marketing. What animal makes more sense than the omnipotent Carrier Pigeon?
I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t psyched. Pigeons are the coolest ever. They’re so majestic.
Anyway, I sat down and got right to work on creating our Carrier Pigeon and, after much toiling, produced this masterpiece:
Apparently, though, the bosses opted to go with David’s design instead: click here.
Needless to say, I was furious. I busted my hump on my version, and they just tossed it aside. They’re reasoning was that “Dave’s was better” and “He didn’t use Paint to make it.”
As I have mentioned in a previous LogicMaze Fiction Blog, I had intended on getting a hold of Phil Collins in reference to his crappy, crappy website, and attempting to get him to let us do it for him. Well, I’ve finally mailed the letter. Here it is, if you’d like to take a look:
Mr. Collins,
My name is Mitchell Hargrave, and I work at LogicMaze WebDesigns in
Hutchinson Kansas, U.S.A. I recently took a look at your website, and I have to say that, in my personal opinion, it is relatively lackluster. I could go through a veritable list of things that could be fixed on the site to make it more fitting for a man of your reputation, starting with consistency of all of the pages, but I wouldn’t want to bore you with the technical details.
The bottom line is that talent of your magnitude deserves representation of the same degree on every medium available. In modern times, the internet is, by far, becoming the largest of all mediums. We at LogicMaze have a client portfolio of over 80 clients; each one has received an original site design that is consistent and cohesive. Although I couldn’t positively know anything about the market prices of web site design in your neck of the woods, I could confidently venture to assume that we could also quote you a price for design that would be considerably lower than that of the site which you now currently have.
I’m confident of LogicMaze’s work, and like to let it speak for itself, so please feel free to visit our site at www.logicmaze.com and view our clients page.
We would love to hear from you on both business and personal levels.
Thank you for your time,
Mitchell Hargrave
LogicMaze WebDesigns
1021 North Main Suite “B”
Hutchinson, KS 67501
Let’s hope the sucker takes the bait. . .I mean expresses a sincere interest in our services. . .
The people running the show were nice enough to have the whale come to the side of the pool for a moment so that I could talk to David Blaine. I sat down next to the pool as the giant mass floated idley by. I wasn’t sure what to do to get David’s attention. A little apprehensive, a little confused: I knocked on the top of the whale as though it were a door.
“Hello?” a muffled voice replied from inside the whale.
“Mr. Blaine? I’m Ralph McNally. I have a business proposition for you.”
There was a pause. “I’m. . .kinda busy right now, Ralph. I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m inside of a whale,” Blaine said.
“Yeah,” I responded. “That’s. . .how long are you going to be in. . . there?”
“A week.”
“So that’s it? You’re just going to be inside of a whale for a week? That’s not really magic. . .that’s just stupidity and patience.”
“Do you have any idea how much money I make just for sitting in one place for long periods of time? I’ll bet you can’t make millions for that!” he said indignantly.
“Mr. Blaine, I’m here to see if there’s any way that I can get you to do a publicity stunt for an underground storage company for which I’m marketing. It’s nothing big, and I think that we’ve got enough money.”
“What part of inside of a whale is not sinking in with you?” he seemed a little agitated now.
After some clever talking, I finally got him to agree to meet with me in a week about the gig. My client was ecstatic when he heard the news. I assured him that it was only a meeting and that it didn’t mean that David Blaine was actually going to do the thing. I cooled my heels in Hollywood for a week (on a very, very small budget), then met with David Blaine.
“Ok,” Blaine began. “As you can see, I’ve strapped myself into this straight jacked with steel shackles outside of that. You have until the time that I escape from these to pitch your idea to me. After that, we’re done! GO!”
“Mr. Blaine, I represent MitchHole storage: an underground storage company out of Hutchinson Kansas. We are looking for something to draw attention to the company and away from their number one competitor: Underground Vaults and Storage. The idea that I’m having is that we put you undergroundin any number of restraints that you think necessary, and you try to escape from the storage facilities. Maybe you could have a hard time or even not get out on your own. Kinda testament to the quality of the facilities.” I explained.
“No way. I never take a dive,” Blaine said
“Just hear me out on this - “
“Nope, I’m out of the jacket and shackles, and you are done. Good bye.”
Like that, I was out of his office, and my opportunity seemed blown. I had no intention of going down like that, though.
I really wanted this to be a place for LogicMaze employees to cut loose and go crazy with all the creativity they had trapped in their heads. Mitchell has done a great job of this and I really don’t want to disgrace it with just slapping random videos up here but this is crazy!!!
“The truth was hard to admit, especially to himself. The truth was he really wanted to drive his Jeep… without pants.”
Okay, so I’ve been looking through the types of Jeep accessories that are available at Jeepsandstuff.com. There’s quite an impressive selection of items there, I’ll admit. But there seem to be a few holes that could be filled if they really wanted to consider themselves the consumate Jeep accessories provider. That’s where I come in. Find the holes, make the suggestions, and basically deliver a warm slice of chocolate flavored marketing genius with a cherry on top. It says so on my businesss card… so who are you to question.
Now I am somewhat of a free-thinker, a color-on-the-outside-of-the-box-while-bungie-jumping kind of guy. It’s precisely that kind of thinking that usually gets me labeled as a “smartass” around the office here - and for the most part that label is painfully accurate. But in this case I think you’ll agree that my particular brand of brainwork has some true marketing potential.
First, allow me to address the “pants issue”, to be now referred to as the P.I. They stock a perfectly good clinometer on the website, telling you when your jumbo/large fountain drink is about to spill - or when your gaggle of jeep-smitten friends is about to tumble out of the vehicle and into the Spangle’s parking lot. A useful device to be sure. But how many of us (and by “us” I am ficticiously including myself in the group of Jeep owners and accessory buyers) have been suffering needlessly because we had no way of determining when it was perfectly safe to drive without pants? This is the very seat of the P.I.
Thousands, nay millions of Jeep owners can only dream of the pleasure derived from driving unencumbered by pants. They suffer needlessly if only someone would have the courage to sell (which presumes that someone would first invent…) a pantsometer. I’m not suggesting driving without any apparel “south of the border” - just without pants.
If we can fake a moon landing, then surely we have the technology, the ingenuity, the will, and the audacity to invent such a liberating device. Think of it. Clear day, warm weather, low humidity, lack of law enforcement - and all of a sudden your patented Pants-O-Meter is flashing green like it’s about to explode with pants-free glee. (Ladies and gentlemen, may I kindly point out that this is the first time you have ever read the expression “pants-free glee”. No applause, please.)
Moving on, with pants I might add, I also saw a wide selection of winches available made by Warn, some of which had a rated line pull of 9000lbs. That’s impressive, but isn’t it shameful that there isn’t a single grappling hook attachment that you can buy. Think about it, folks. 9000lbs! That’s enough to haul your tricked-out Jeep, you, three of your friends, a keg of… um, sparkling grape juice (?), and a basket full of baklava up a 10-story building. Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it. (no, really… don’t tell me)
Okay, I also see all kinds of body armor for your Jeep - jeep hardtops, jeep bumpers, jeep skid plates, armored corners, stone guards, body cladding, etc. Has no one thought of reactive armor for your Jeep? That’s a rhetorical question, since I have. Not convinced? Just imagine never having a door ding again. When you come back to your vehicle and there’s an empty parking space next to you with a charred hubcap and some teeth fillings in it, you’ll know you’ve made a wise investment in protecting your Jeep.
I’m not the only person who wants toys like this. Geez, you’d think these folks had never seen an Evel Knievel performance or watched G.I. Joe.
I’ll be thinking of more ideas for products they SHOULD be making as Jeep accessories, but in the meantime check out the things they DO make at Jeepsandstuff.com. We at LogicMaze are on the case, making your online Jeep accessory buying experience all it can be.
A lack of success with Toby Keith put me in a bad way with the folks at Jeep, which sent me reeling into a downward personal and professional spiral. I found myself, once again, looking for answers at the bottom of a bottle. But no amount of Pepto Bismolin the world could overcome the acidy stingy sting of shame acid in the pit of my stomache.
“Man, if they push their advertising just a little bit harder, they’ll put me out for sure! You’ve gotta help me,” he said, pathetically.
“You’d need some big money and a heck of a gimmick to take them down,” I said.
“What, like $50?”
I wasn’t sure how to react to that. I simply told him that it would take a whole lot more than that to even make a noticeable difference. I suggested that if he was serious and thought that he could make his money back, perhaps selling his car and taking out a second mortgage on his house would be worthy investments. He said that he understood and agreed.
“Hey Grandma, I need you to take out a second mortgage on the house!” he yelled into the kitchen.
“Ok, SugarBear,” she replied from the kitchen.
“Alright,” he said. “We’ve got your money.”
“SugarBear?”
“Yeah yeah yeah. . .What’s the plan?”
I had absolutely no plan. Marketing for underground storage was a little bit more difficult than selling shoes. I figured that it would have to either be something with laser-accurate focus on the target market or something huge that everybody would notice. I opted for the latter of the two.
I flew down to Hollywood to find my talent for the project that I assumed would be more than enough to give MitchHole Storage the boost that it needed. As I walked up to the set, a crowd stood in a big circle with a look of awe on their faces. I found somebody with a clipboard and assumed that they could help me find for whom I was looking.
“Excuse me,” I poked her on the shoulder. “Could you please tell me where David Blaine is?”
She gave me an incredulous look. “He’s over there.”
I looked in the direction in which she pointed. All that I could see was a swimming pool with a whale in it.
I had a choice this weekend. I could either wait in line to get a Nintendo Wii, or I could go to Italy and be a guest at TomKat’s wedding - that’s Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, for the fortunate ignorants who haven’t heard about that. It was a tough choice, but I opted for the Wii. Nothing is quite as compelling as spending $300 on something that I know absolutely nothing about.
One plus: the Wii crowd was a little less violent than the PS3 crowds- somthing I attribute to the fact that Nintendo makes games that are a little less concerned with pure violence. There was one altercation, however where one fellow (I think he was a level 14 Mage) put an Ice Spell on another, which was then quickly countered by an Amulet of Dante’s Flame.
Luckily, nobody was harmed in that situation.
Long story short, I never got a Wii, but I did make some new friends. I’ll be meeting with my new buddies: Irwin and Ant on Wednesdays now to play Dungeons and Dragons. I have no idea how to play, but I bet I’ll win!
They think they’re so smart. With all of their talk and their sarcasm. They said that it wouldn’t be possible.
“The truth was hard to admit, especially to himself. The truth was he really wanted to drive his 
